Bad Therapy: Why the kids are not growing up
In today’s world — where child and adolescent therapy has become widespread and parenting increasingly emphasises reading and validating children’s emotions — this book feels almost counter-trend. Yet it is refreshing, and in many ways, deeply persuasive.
The author examines how modern society and many parents may be too complacent about the growing level of intervention by adolescent psychologists, therapists, and psychiatric professionals in children’s development. The book questions what expanding professional involvement means for young people, and how it may unintentionally weaken parental authority. Toward the end, the author makes a striking argument: parents must reclaim their role and authority, and should approach so-called “youth mental health experts” with caution. If professional help becomes unavoidable, parents are advised to choose a therapist with the same level of care one would use when selecting a highly skilled surgeon — a reminder of how profoundly these professionals can shape a child’s development, not always positively.
Below are a few ideas from the book that stayed with me.
1. The Problem with Asking “How Are You Feeling Today?”
In contemporary parenting culture, checking in on a child’s feelings is often seen as a sign of empathy and emotional intelligence. However, the author argues that repeatedly asking children about their emotions teaches them that their feelings are the most important aspect of their identity — potentially fostering emotional fragility and narcissistic tendencies.
When a child says they feel sad, parents become anxious, and therapists may frame the situation as psychologically significant. As a result, the child learns that their emotional state carries greater weight than other realities — family circumstances, health issues, or everyday challenges. The child may begin to view negative emotions themselves as alarming events, while parents gradually surrender their leadership role to professionals, losing authority in front of their children.
Although the author’s tone can feel harsh, I found parts of this argument surprisingly convincing.
Today, frequently asking children “How are you feeling?” has become almost a moral virtue. Yet the book made me reconsider the hidden trap within that question. When attention is constantly directed inward — toward one’s own emotions — children may become overly self-focused, which paradoxically deepens feelings of unhappiness rather than alleviating them.
Perhaps we have forgotten that self-esteem often grows not from analysing our emotions, but from becoming useful to others — from contributing, helping, and engaging with the world outside ourselves. Earlier generations may have struggled to articulate their feelings, yet many appeared psychologically resilient precisely because their development focused less on emotional introspection.
Personally, I recognised this in my own experience: during difficult or low periods, I have often felt better not by turning inward, but by going out, speaking with people, and doing something meaningful for someone else.
2. The Therapy Trend and the Trap of Empathy
This chapter felt particularly confronting.
The author criticises modern parents who consume endless parenting content in an effort not to repeat their own parents’ mistakes. According to the book, part of this enthusiasm is driven by the emotional comfort of finding explanations for present unhappiness in past parenting — gaining validation through shared empathy.
I admit this resonated uncomfortably with me. Like many people, I have had periods of resentment toward my parents’ parenting style, and reading this critique felt personally confronting.
The author argues that unless parents were genuinely abusive or criminally neglectful, today’s younger generation may apply excessively harsh standards when judging previous generations. She links this tendency to the modern culture of empathy itself: empathy inherently involves taking one side emotionally, which often produces negativity toward “the other.” As empathy culture expands, criticism toward parents becomes almost inevitable.
The book suggests that therapy can sometimes reinforce and even amplify negative memories, as emotional validation strengthens certain narratives. The author provocatively proposes that the growing number of adults estranged from their parents may partly stem from therapeutic culture and its surrounding content — an argument that feels both fresh and controversial.
3. When We Give In to Children’s Feelings, We May Underestimate Their Potential
As acknowledging children’s emotions becomes increasingly important, adults have also become more accommodating of children’s preferences and discomforts.
Examples frequently appear in schools: requests to excuse a child from difficult maths because it causes “trauma,” exemptions from physical education due to low stamina, separate seating arrangements for sensory sensitivity, or extended exam times for anxiety. These are not exaggerations; they are increasingly common realities discussed in education today.
The author argues that constantly removing discomfort may hinder development. When parents solve every small difficulty, they unintentionally send a message: You cannot do this.
You are bad at sports, so don’t try.
Math is hard for you, so avoid it.
You struggle with time, so you need exceptions.
Interestingly, the author reframes the strict encouragement often used by previous generations — “You can do it. Just try.” — as an expression not of harshness, but of confidence in a child’s potential.
4. Trauma, Anxiety, Depression — and the Problem with Surveys
As therapy becomes more common, discussions of trauma, anxiety, and depression among children have intensified. The author questions whether it is appropriate to treat everyday childhood struggles with the same conceptual framework used for war veterans’ trauma.
She criticises the overuse of the word “trauma,” arguing that it may unintentionally implant negative identities in children. School surveys asking students how depressed they feel, whether they have suicidal thoughts, or how often they self-harm may introduce harmful ideas rather than simply measuring wellbeing.
The book ultimately delivers an empowering message: parents — not newly encountered therapists — know their children best, and should trust their own judgement more confidently. While this message is inspiring, I also found myself anticipating criticism the author might face. For parents navigating diagnoses such as ADHD or autism spectrum conditions, her arguments may feel overly optimistic or dismissive. There is also the risk that some parents could misinterpret the message and cling too confidently to ineffective parenting approaches.
The author shares stories of her grandmother, a Holocaust survivor who immigrated and built a successful life, implying that human resilience has historically been far stronger than we often assume today. While the point is understandable, I suspect such comparisons may not resonate easily with younger generations, and at times the tone risks sounding somewhat dismissive.
Final Thoughts
Still, in a society — particularly in the United States — where teachers, social workers, child specialists, and even questionable “experts” increasingly influence children’s lives, it feels almost inevitable that a book presenting this perspective would emerge. Whether one fully agrees or not, the arguments are undeniably thought-provoking and, above all, refreshingly different.
